We drove to Ottawa yesterday, although not my favourite thing to do. Somedays, the thought of getting in a car and driving on a road makes me cringe. I don't mind driving at all, but it's the other people. People are always in a hurry and angry. If you get in their way, they honk, or cut you off, or send you all kinds of wonderful finger gestures. Who wants to be a recipient of that?
There was a time that things like that would bother me, I would want to get back at them in some way or another. I remember a time when I was one of those people on the road. Always in a hurry, impatient, saying things as if they could hear me. I look back on that time and realize that I have come a long way. I rarely get impatient, I rarely feel any anger and I do my best not to speak anything against someone. When I do (because I am far from perfect), I repent. I am trying. I remember when I made a change and decided that I was going to slow down and not be in a hurry. It was in Petawawa where I lived for 22 years. It was almost instant, the relief I felt, the weight off my shoulders. I found more peace while driving and I wasn't concerned about getting from A to B as much. It was a quiet time that I could spend in conversation with my Heavenly Father. It was a time to abide with him.
When you spend your career with the military, you develop a lifestyle. You are more work driven and performance driven because that is what the military demanded of you. This is contrary to what God wants for us, and certainly isn't peaceful. He doesn't want our performance, he wants our heart. So, when you spend over 20 years being performance driven, it is very difficult to slow down. When you live your life at a thousand miles an hours, what does it take to pause, sit, relax, abide. It's hard to do. You have to shut your 'production' brain off and be able to listen for that still small voice. I confess, I struggle with this every day. I feel I should be doing something all the time. It's hard to abide when the 'to do' list keeps popping into your head. So...if I just get this out of the way, then I can sit and relax. Yeah right...it doesn't work that way. I need to learn how to turn off the conveyor belt of thoughts and just sit and wait. What helps? Soaking music. Something that has no words, just soft quiet music that causes me to pause, relax, wait and listen. I can do it for about 10 minutes, then the 'to do' list pops up again. But, 10 minutes is a start. I can abide for 10 minutes for now and see if it will expand to 20 and 30. Like a lot of things in life, start small, develop that habit, and see where it grows from there.
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